Month: July 2008

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When Someone Else Says What You Are Thinking [part 2]

At the age of 15, my parents separated. Being that I was raised very fundamentally (religiously speaking), I had a very difficult time with their separation for it completely went against everything I had been taught – by them.

Thus began my hell.

For 5 years I remained in a darkness surrounded by hate and resentment for my father, for my religion, and for everything I had been taught was right. It was not until I moved away from the small town I was raised in and small minded people I was raised around that I found myself and my truth. I owe considerable debt to Katrine and Heidi (two angels) who showed me that life existed outside the boundaries of this village.

Thus begins my heaven.

I realize now that where I came from (both literally and metaphorically speaking) are key components in who I am today. Granted, I consider myself to be very different, but had I not experienced the darkness, I would not be able to experience the light I enjoy now. I am happy to say that I have forgiven everyone surrounding this time, most importantly my father, and have healed immensely.

I have found a path/journey that more closely aligns with what I believe spiritually and continue on it daily – constantly refining my truth and broadening my understanding of a universe I am part of.

I feel that I am finally on my way to the other side.

I would once again like to reference Brendan James and share the lyrics of track number 5 from his recent album titled The Day Is Brave. The song title is The Other Side. I again give full credit to the artist and hope that anyone who reads these ponderings will seek out the album and appreciate it as much as I do.

I feel I must also say that the resemblance of these words to my own life is uncanny. It is emotional for me to think of my own life/growth in this piece of remarkable writing.

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When Someone Else Says What You Are Thinking [part 1]

Music can be a very powerful medium. Not only can it speak to you, it often times speaks through you and has the ability to be quite healing. Having said this, there are a number of songwriters that I appreciate immensly – James Taylor, Bonnie Raitt, and without a doubt Tracy Chapman. I have recently come across a newer singer/songwriter that I feel just as passionately about – Brendan James. His most recent album, The Day Is Brave, is incredibly emotional and heartfelt; at least for me.

Given the current political climate in the country in which I live and our role in the Middle East, there is one song on his album that speaks volumes. I have never been able to fully articulate my feelings about the war only knowing I do not support the ethnocentric motives my country has used to justify the war as it stands currently (noting that our initial attack has been proven to be based on lies and the ego of a leader I do not support).

Brendan James so beautifully places the war in perspective with track number 3, Hero’s Song. I would like to include the lyrics here and hope that you will seek out the album to hear the emotion in it. Full credit and admiration is given to the artist for this song.

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Impossible Relationship?

I recently went on vacation with my family to Panama City Beach. I was looking forward to the trip for a couple of reasons, namely sharing intimately with my sister, niece and nephew.

My sister and I had recently had a discussion about opening up with each other and making attempts at having an actual dialog with one another. As a family, we have never spoke intimately with one another; conversations have always been very superficial. As a result, I don’t feel my sister knows who I am and I am sure I don’t know who she is. I feel as though she makes assumptions about and judgements of my life and the path I am taking.

I was looking forward to this trip so that she and I could dialog and I always wanted to spend some quality time with my niece and nephew for I fear that my sister’s assumptions/judgements may be clouding their own perception of me.

I believe on the second day I was sitting by the pool with my sister when she lays out a book and a couple of magazines. I love to read and really enjoy expanding my own life through self-awareness so I was naturally interested in the topic of her current read. The book was titled Bringing Up Boys and is written by Dr. James Dobson. This happens to be another topic of great interest to me as I believe that femininity and masculinity are social constructions born primarily out of fear and ignorance – so I picked it up and began reading the cover.

It turns out that Dr. James Dobson is the founder/president of Focus on the Family. This imediately sent chills over me. I continued to read the first couple of pages and then went back to the table of contents for a broader perspective of the information therein. Chapter 9 really caught my eye – The Origins of Homosexuality. Again, chills. I skipped ahead to the beginning of this chapter and noticed that various sentences had been underlined so I focused my reading on those. (I questioned who had underlined portions of the book and my sister indicated that it was a borrowed book and has been passed around her church among various mothers.)

What was alarming was not only the claim that homosexuality was indeed a disorder but the suggestion that parents should seek psychological counseling for their adolescent boys should they exhibit efiminate qualities.

The chills turned to anger and frustration quickly. It became clear that my sister was not interested in knowing me. Granted, this was only one of seventeen chapters in the book and perhaps not even a topic of focus for her reading. It hurt nonetheless. Does my sister believe that I am suffering from some disorder that requires psychological help? I feel certain that she believes my lifestyle to be one that is sinful so she must believe then that I am choosing it …

I only want for my sister and I to have the type of relationship I fear is impossible. I want us to talk openly and candidly, free from judgement of one another. I want her to understand me …

Perhaps the superficial conversations are her way of accepting me and avoiding placing judgement on me.

I guess when I search my own soul it is I who judges her. I want her to believe as I do.