I recently went on vacation with my family to Panama City Beach. I was looking forward to the trip for a couple of reasons, namely sharing intimately with my sister, niece and nephew.
My sister and I had recently had a discussion about opening up with each other and making attempts at having an actual dialog with one another. As a family, we have never spoke intimately with one another; conversations have always been very superficial. As a result, I don’t feel my sister knows who I am and I am sure I don’t know who she is. I feel as though she makes assumptions about and judgements of my life and the path I am taking.
I was looking forward to this trip so that she and I could dialog and I always wanted to spend some quality time with my niece and nephew for I fear that my sister’s assumptions/judgements may be clouding their own perception of me.
I believe on the second day I was sitting by the pool with my sister when she lays out a book and a couple of magazines. I love to read and really enjoy expanding my own life through self-awareness so I was naturally interested in the topic of her current read. The book was titled Bringing Up Boys and is written by Dr. James Dobson. This happens to be another topic of great interest to me as I believe that femininity and masculinity are social constructions born primarily out of fear and ignorance – so I picked it up and began reading the cover.
It turns out that Dr. James Dobson is the founder/president of Focus on the Family. This imediately sent chills over me. I continued to read the first couple of pages and then went back to the table of contents for a broader perspective of the information therein. Chapter 9 really caught my eye – The Origins of Homosexuality. Again, chills. I skipped ahead to the beginning of this chapter and noticed that various sentences had been underlined so I focused my reading on those. (I questioned who had underlined portions of the book and my sister indicated that it was a borrowed book and has been passed around her church among various mothers.)
What was alarming was not only the claim that homosexuality was indeed a disorder but the suggestion that parents should seek psychological counseling for their adolescent boys should they exhibit efiminate qualities.
The chills turned to anger and frustration quickly. It became clear that my sister was not interested in knowing me. Granted, this was only one of seventeen chapters in the book and perhaps not even a topic of focus for her reading. It hurt nonetheless. Does my sister believe that I am suffering from some disorder that requires psychological help? I feel certain that she believes my lifestyle to be one that is sinful so she must believe then that I am choosing it …
I only want for my sister and I to have the type of relationship I fear is impossible. I want us to talk openly and candidly, free from judgement of one another. I want her to understand me …
Perhaps the superficial conversations are her way of accepting me and avoiding placing judgement on me.
I guess when I search my own soul it is I who judges her. I want her to believe as I do.