It’s interesting how a single resilient sperm can make any male a father. Many times, that sperm released in the heat of the moment (whether it be love, lust, anger, or fear) bestows upon someone completely unsuspecting and often times unwilling, the title of FATHER.
This title can be given to anyone with a functioning penis. Now days, heterosexual intercourse is not even required, just so long as that one sperm can be paired with one ovum under precisely the perfect conditions. When you think about it, conception (in or out of a womb) is quite miraculous. That’s a tangent I don’t intend to go down today.
My focus at this moment is to explore my own feelings surrounding Father’s Day.
I take issue first off with it being called Father’s Day. I mean, why would we choose to celebrate any Tom, Dick, or Harry whose penis was capable of functioning at the exact moment all other conditions were in place to bring about conception? Did this man really do anything so great? No!
Instead, I think it should be called Dad’s Day. I say this as it truly takes a special person to be a DAD. Someone who does more than just simply accept the responsibility given to him by his functioning penis. It takes a real man to be a Dad.
Now on to the real purpose of my writing tonight.
The past few days have been riddled with angst for me as this day approached. I didn’t quite know how to behave or what to do. You see, the fact that my Father’s penis functioned appropriately some 31 years ago when the stars were appropriately aligned to bring about the miracle that is myself, angers me. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly grateful for being here and having the opportunity to continue on my spiritual journey in the body that was created in that moment. My frustration comes as I waffle back and forth between what is expected of me and what is my truth.
I am EXPECTED to send my Father a card and some gift to show my appreciation for being the man that he is/was. My TRUTH though says that he and are so categorically different beings and on such extraordinarily different spiritual paths that I don’t owe him anything.
Again, don’t get me wrong here. I have an immense amount of respect for my Father and who he is. I know without a shaddow of a doubt that the circumstances surrounding his and my relationship over the years has defined who I am in so many ways. For example, I credit him for my utter distrust in religion. I credit him for the defintion of family I hold today (it has nothing to do with biology). I credit him for proving to me that all relationships are fluid and that it is impractical to expect a relationship truly based on love to last until someone dies. I credit him for teaching/showing me that communication has no value (though it is actually invaluable). I credit him for teaching me that real men should not show emotion or share their feelings. I credit him more than anyone for who I am today and who I will be tomorrow.
So now the question is, Do I like who I am? Well, I am angry so the answer is no, BUT, I am also growing and seeking out my own path so the answer is yes.
So, where do I find a card that expresses those feelings? I don’t think Hallmark makes it …
This angst I have been dealing with over the past few days is the same angst I face on October 24 (his birthday), December 23 (when he has the family over for Christmas), and February 12 (my birthday, when I have to decide how to thank him for the wonderfully loving card he sent me). I am tired of dealing with this angst yet the emotions built up behind it are so great that I AM AFRAID TO LET THEM OUT. I want so badly to just talk with him. I don’t mean about the weather or whatever happens to be on TV at the time, I’m tired of doing that. I want to talk to him about who I am and let him know that I do love him and that I do forgive him for walking out on me and ma all those years ago. I want to talk to him and find out who HE is. I want us to be in a different place than we are now. I am no longer okay with the same ole interactions. I want to have a connection with him. I just don’t know how to intiate it and I am afraid to try, afraid that he won’t reciprocate.
Today was Father’s Day. I didn’t even call him because I didn’t know what to say. Happy Father’s Day is not enough for me. I have to feel safe to say so much more.