A few weeks ago, my partner’s nephew came to stay with us for the summer (at this point anyway). He comes from a home where he is shown little support. He is here so that my partner and I can be positive influences on him (more positive than his home environment without a doubt). An additional role of mine is to tutor him in mathematics so that he can complete the state mandated curriculum for 9th grade. If he does not, he will again be in 9th grade next year. This is a contingency that I have become involved in as I am a licensed educator and that is one of the requirements for fulfillment.
What I am realizing is that I am not in a place to be responsible for a child. I am, for all intents and purposes, too selfish. I am not letting this get in the way of John’s (name substitution for anonymity) success, I am just recognizing that I am in a position to choose to be a parent and I choose right now not to be.
Part of me is envious of heterosexual relationships in that often times they become parents on accident, without any real planning, and so must step up their game immediately – no excuses. My situation/relationship is different.
A significant positive to my lifestyle is that no additional children will be biologically created to walk the our Earthly realm. I mean hell, there are already too many children not getting the love and support they need to thrive as it is – I see this daily as an educator. So then, I am in a unique place to love and care for a child that otherwise would not receive that love and support (that is, once the world recognizes that gay men can appropriately rear a child and NOT turn him/her gay). [A second, slightly less significant positive is that I can completely bypass the diaper stage!]
A significant negative to my lifestyle as I see it is that I get to choose when I want to grow up instead of having life circumstances (conceiving a child) dictate that timeline. As it stands, I don’t want to grow up anytime soon!
I have heard family and friends talk about waiting to have children until a time when they are ready – financially and responsibly speaking. Being in that place now myself I can understand easily why some would choose to never have children because they are never ready. I guess then that that is one of the miracles that coincide conception, the fact that the parent is immediately thrust into a state of adulthood (mentally, physically, and spiritually). I mourn the idea that no such event will occur for me.
I look at the positive previously stated and recognize that in terms of loving a child, not breeding is the best route to go in but when will I ever decide that I am ready?
My sister became pregnant some 17 years ago without planning the conception. I hesitate in saying it was an accident as I don’t believe it was. The pure angel that was conceived at that time was, I believe, conceived out of love and has today become a beautiful young woman who will undoubtedly influence our Earthly future in the most positive of ways. The conception then was one of divine intervention and not mere accident. I also see how much her parents have matured as a result of the conception. I see it most in terms of her father. He has surprised me beyond my wildest dreams. He has proven himself to be a remarkable father and citizen. I believe that he loves my sister and their two children unconditionally. So I am well aware then of the power of life circumstances to affect and refine personality, especially when it comes to giving of one’s self and providing for another.
I guess I am saying all of this as I contemplate my being a father, or DAD. I know without a doubt that I would be a great dad it’s just a matter of when.
I recall my feelings of urgency surrounding this topic shortly after my own father separated from the family. I was intent on having a boy of my own and proving to myself, my father, and everyone else, what a GREAT DAD was like. I was convinced that my own father was less than perfect and so had a desire to prove that it could be done. I even had my son’s name picked out – I would call him Jacob after a very dear friend of mine that showed me so much about life, even if she doesn’t realize it.
Some day, I suppose, I will take on this challenge – when I am ready …