Today would have been your 60th birthday had you been aloud to see it. If you were still alive, I can’t imagine it would be a day of much celebration. Seeing you deteriorate over the past couple of years has forced me to see the fragile nature of your body and even your spirit towards the end.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. My feelings wander between those of peace and of sorrow. On the one hand, I am at peace knowing that you are no longer bound to this plain by your dis-eased body. On the other hand, I am saddened greatly by the time lost and taken for granted.
As we pass through the holidays, and more importantly your birthday, I can’t help but realize that over the years the joy I experienced from the holidays came as a result of a celebration of you. As I grew older, December 25th became less of a day spent around a Christmas tree and more about the time I could spend close to you. As a result, I am faced with this quiet rebellion against all that the holidays typically bring, overtly refusing to celebrate since I am unable to celebrate with you. At the same time, I feel deep within my soul that you would want me to continue on celebrating yet I don’t know how to do that. It is almost as though I fear to continue on would mean that I have moved on and I can’t imagine that. I do hope to someday move beyond remembering only your struggles to a place of remembering your joys but I guess that will take time. Still though, I never want to forget any of the times or experiences of your fight – I just want to get passed that and remember who you were/are to me.
For what it’s worth – Happy Birthday Ma!
I love you – forever & always