Day: December 24, 2021

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fifty

it is important to set goals … this is either that or an expiration date

February 12, 2028

I have often imagined if I would want to live past 50. I am now committing that I will not … not without some significant changes.

Participating in life has become exhausting and lonely. I give all the energy I have to the students in my care day in and day out without regret but I am tired.

I am tired of fighting against a society that emboldens the very character traits I try tireless to get my students to disavow. Those selfish GOP fucktards are ruining not only our democracy but also our very humanity.

I am tired of spending countless hours alone and lonely.

I am tired of cowering with zero self confidence in a body that repulses me.

I am tired of hiding who I am from the world but not because the world can’t handle it, because I can’t. The world impresses me every day how far we have come.

I am tired of being afraid. My anxiety and lack of self confidence has me constantly second guessing every attempt, no matter how small, to get away from myself.

I am tired of being so god damn tired …

My hope and prayer is that I am able to transcend this space but I am not sure I have the energy.

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who takes care of you?

You have become a respectable young man. Only days ago, you invited Krist*n (i or e, I have no idea, but probably should) to share the rest of your life with you and I could not be happier for you.

But I need to ask, who takes care of you?

You mom has shared with me ways that it seems you are setting up your life to be in hers, or there for her at least. From purchasing land across the street to your daily calls to check in with her, you are a mommas boy and there is nothing wrong with that.

But from someone who spent the better part of 24 years doing the very same thing, please, I beg, don’t forget to take care of you.

Please don’t get me wrong, I in no way resent/regret those 24 years. If I am being completely transparent, I was pretty damn selfish through many of them but still, taking care of Ma became a huge part of who I was. Unlike me though, your mom still has a partner in her life that would do anything for her. Ma’s partner walked out on her when I was 14 like the coward that he is. Travis though, never ceases to amaze me. I wonder though if you all take him for granted.

Just remember to take care you boop. That’s all I ask.

Love you buddy.

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identity

I often find myself recognizing the identities that others select/portray but only recently have I been able to recognize mine own.

It seems through grief I built up the identify of someone who rejects the holidays and the many traditions they bring. I have been able to foster that identity over the years out of my rejection of the idea that I no longer want to be alone.

Today though, this identity no longer serves me living my best life – as if I know what that means. I only know it is not the one I am actively participating in.

I do not want to be alone. I want to manifest love and companionship.

The more I am though the more I allow my anger and resentment towards him to build a world of darkness that scares me. Only days ago, I began taking steps to end the darkness and I am terrified.

identities that no longer define me …

  • dog person –>
  • perhaps a right, never a choice –>
  • beer snob –>
  • closeted –>
  • damn cat [October 2019]
  • RDZ2522 [2021-12-06]
  • pass me the scotch
  • fuck it