I will never forget the night we met. It was August 21, 1999. In that moment, I never imagined or dreamed it would be ending like this.
Anger, frustration, and resentment are like the worst of cancers. They slowly eat away every fiber of your being and destroy all that is enjoyable in a relationship. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to rise above those intense emotions that have now completely clouded all of the emotions that brought a sparkle to my eye in years past.
I wanted so sincerely for our recent separation to breathe new life into our relationship and to once again find that place of longing for you that I used to feel. Instead, I feel as though you never left because the resentment that has taken over remained with me even though you were physically absent. You are coming ‘home’ on Tuesday and I can’t seem to find the energy to celebrate that. I want so badly to want to hold you as you walk through the door yet for some reason, hugging you is no longer comfortable and kissing you has been uncomfortable for as long as I can remember.
You say that I have existed in this relationship as a victim for many years and perhaps that is true. However, I take full responsibility for my decisions to stay over the years as I have truly always wanted our relationship to be one that works.
I can honestly say that I do love you and probably always will but I am not certain that I am ‘in love’ with you at this time. I often fantasize about past encounters and relationships remembering the passion that I felt and wonder ‘what if.’ It is odd to me though that I cannot seem to remember the passion we shared even though I know it was intense. Yes, I realize that I am living in the past by making these statements but I can’t figure out how to be excited about a future that is uncertain and even disappointing. I am not confident that you and I can ever find that passion again because I fear that the damage done is too great to rise above and forget and forgive.
You also mention that I have failed to commit to this relationship and do the things I needed to do to work on it earnestly. That is true and for that I am ashamed. I do not, in the slightest, believe that you have asked anything unreasonable of me. On the contrary, the things you have asked of me would enrich my own life directly and our relationship then indirectly. However, the voice that I hear louder than any other is one that speaks nothing but fear and insecurities and I can’t get rid of it.
It is somehow ‘safer’ to keep one foot out the door so that if/when a relationship runs its course the pain felt will be less devastating. Perhaps by keeping one foot out the door I have succeeded in created the very thing I have contended I did not want – for the relationship to end. Yet for me, I really do not think I have the capacity to commit fully to a relationship like you deserve. I had shared with you in the past that I was not comfortable being responsible to or for any other person and it is that truth that has kept me from committing. I don’t want to have to count on someone else because it would be too painful to be let down. As of late, I have needed you more than I could have ever imagined but I could not for the life of me break down that wall between us and let you in. I know you would have shown up stronger than I could ever have hoped for but the vulnerability that that space would create is a place that I am terrified of and avoid at all costs. Conversely, I also do not want someone counting on me because I can’t promise that I won’t drop the ball when I am needed most.
So where do we go from here?
Still, no matter what happens after Tuesday, you will forever hold a place deep in my heart and soul.