It has been 13 years since I returned to my life in TN after having lived in Dallas, TX for a mere 11 months. A week ago tomorrow, I made a return trip back to Dallas for the first time since I moved away, visiting for a week.
What is most surprising to me to me is that nothing is as I remember it. Sure, a lot can change in 13 years but I think it is more than that …
My move to Dallas represents only the second most important decision I have ever made thinking solely of my path, the first being my decision to attend college.
Since being back in TN over the past 13 years, I have often wondered if I made the right decision at the right time to move back. Sure, given Ma’s deteriorating health conditions, I would have moved back eventually but did I move back too soon? This wondering, and perhaps regret, eventually developed into endearing memories of what my life in Dallas was like. Granted, my time there was enjoyable but as I re-explored the sites this week and revisited some points with fond memories attached, I realize that nothing is as I remember it.
There are a few explanations for this I suppose ..
Granted, a lot can admittedly change in 13 years especially in an urban environment. I didn’t even recognize my old office building given the new buildings that have risen around it so yeah, a lot has changed … but that’s not it …
Then, there is the phenomenon of false memories. I recently had a conversation with a very dear friend of mine about general life events – a where were you when sort of conversation. We began to speak of the Challenger explosion. My memories tell me that I was in Ms. Palladino’s high school art class when we watched the news on the TV mounted in the front of the classroom. I remember we got those TVs as part of a grant to support the viewing of the Channel 1 News station for current events framed for adolescents. I also remembering sitting in the front row nearly in front of the TV as we watched the footage of the explosion. She recounted similar memories but while she is only a couple of years my senior, her memories seemed to coincide with a much earlier age than mine. So, we googled the event. The Challenger exploded on January 18th, 1986 … given that I was born in ’78, that would have made me 8 years old – certainly not a high school student. This is a perfect example of how our memories can distort a past reality. How we can force ourselves to believe very specific and detailed events that never happened. So I have to wonder, have my feelings of regret around Dallas somehow shaped my memories of my time there?
Finally, our cumulative experience defines our current experience … not only am I 13 years older, I have also acquired 2 master degrees, advanced in a new career, supported 2 teenage boys through high school … you get the picture. Basically, most of what I experienced in 2002/03 were new experiences for me then and so left an impression that I carried with me all these years. The impression was based more on the excitement surrounding a new experience and less about the experience itself. Fast forward to 2016 – lots of other experiences now define the things/events/places I attempted to re-experience while in Dallas but it just wasn’t the same – because I am not the same and I no longer see/experience things the way I did when I was 24.
I guess I think through all of this to convince myself that no matter what, life is what you make of it and never what you remember of it.