Happy Birthday Ma.
Your life was cut too short … for me. Though if your last couple of years were any indication of what the remainder of your life was going to be like, I am thankful it did not continue any longer.
I feel guilty for saying that but I have said a million times over, the life you were living from 2013 on was not the life I’d wish on anyone. I am grateful though that we got to spend those additional years together.
I still get the urge to call you each day and check in with you on my way home but there is no one there to answer. I find myself envious of Mo in Breaking Fast that I did not have the foresight to keep your phone number active so I could still call without the risk of some random stranger answering. Perhaps that is holding on to too tightly to the past but even still, to be able to hear your outgoing message every once in a while would be a welcome reminder.
As I sit here writing this, I can’t help but feel as though I have let you down in someway. While we are talking about life not worth living, I am participating in my own at the moment and have no real excuse – hence the letting you down part. You only wanted me to find happiness, and I have not been able to manage that, and for that, I am sorry. You would be heartbroken to know how I have managed to isolate and separate myself from most anyone who cares about me.
I promise to try and do better. Time is running out.