Author: mrchrislholmes

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done and dusted

With the stroke of a pen on the early morning of Friday, September 29, 2023, I created a new peace for myself, started a new chapter, and closed the book on a 23 year relationship (minimum 5 years too long).

You will always be a part of me – there is no escaping that.

You were instrumental in shaping me – I am grateful for that.

I will always hold love in my heart for you – there is no denying that.

As for the Resentment, Anger, Grief, and Embarrassment … hopefully they will subside.

I RESENT you for dismissing my voice. I resent you for not fitting in the box I needed for our relationship to fit in to. I resent you for being an ass in the separation process and forcing a timeline that allowed me no real opportunity to find my new home (WTF – Greenbrier). I resent you for loving me in a way that I know is rare.

I am ANGRY with you because I need someone to blame. I am angry because the big feelings let me know I am still alive.

I am GRIEVING the loss of 23 years of my life. I am grieving the end of a partnership and the likelihood there will not be another. I am grieving the energy you brought to my life even if it was negative in the end, that is better than none.

I am EMBARRASSED and ashamed that I shut you out so quickly. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I did not do more to work on the relationship. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I allowed my pride and ego get the better of me.

I am also F R E E . . .

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mr football

He had it all. I admired him. I was envious of him.

We grew up together. Same small town. Same public schools. Same grade. He was one of the ‘elite’ in our class. Athletic. Attractive. Friendly. Charismatic. Great sense of humor. Genuinely kind.

I wouldn’t say we were close by any means – we ran in different circles and only a few managed to be part of the overlap in the social Venn diagram. I belonged in the circle of popular, smart kids. He belonged in the circle of popular, athletic kids. Not saying he was not smart – he just prioritized his athleticism. Richard fell in the overlap.

I looked up to him though.

Clint’s passing brought about a lot of feelings for me, feelings that were honestly unexpected.

I was immediately forced to re-examine my own thoughts of suicide. By many standards, I have it all … great career, loving family, nice home, car, money in the bank, etc. The difference, I think, is that I am just really going through the motions. I am not happy – I do not have the type of (meaningful) relationships that matter. I am guessing Clint was unhappy too …

I then began to grieve … grieve my friendships from high school. The truth is, I had no idea if Clint was happy or not – I hadn’t seen him or anyone else in 25+ years. When I left Westmoreland, I never looked back. I began my journey of discovery and held on to a level of shame that convinced me that no one from my past, my childhood, would accept me for me. I isolated myself and shut Westmoreland out of my life. So then, how would I have known what he was dealing with? It was not until his death that I realized he had a child with someone I have worked with and known for years through MNPS.

Then the embarrassment and guilt set in. What If … What If I had remained connected with friends back home? I ‘judge them’ from afar believing that I would be the one who is not accepted all the while I am not giving them a chance and rejecting them straight out of the gate. So what if some of their world views are narrow, why have I allowed my fear-ego to get in the way of their potential growth and understanding? By separating from them I have potentially removed any interaction they could have with someone who is LGBT thereby ensuring that there is no cause for growth. What If I had maintained a connection … could I have had an influence on this finite outcome?

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right action

Buddhist teachings state this simply as abstaining from killing, abstaining from stealing, and abstaining from sexual misconduct as they relate to sentient beings.

for me …

At first I thought this one was a no brainer but the more I am thinking about it, I have honestly struggled with this one.

In my past, I have killed other sentient beings and not out of need. I am referring to insects and small animals here. I guess there is question as to whether insects are sentient beings (have feelings and consciousness) but I think it is naive to not think so. I am honestly not convinced vegetation couldn’t also be considered sentient! My focus here is immediately on rodents, specifically field mice … if I set out bate and they eat it and die elsewhere, because I am not ‘aware’ of it am I not living with right action?

As far as stealing goes, there was that one time in New Orleans during Mardi Gras in 1999 when I stole that necklace from a street vendor … I still have it, put away, but I have it. Never again.

And let’s talk about sexual misconduct. NEVER have I engaged without consent. Upon reflecting though, I can relate to the idea of objectification. I am embarrassed by some of my past behaviors.

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right speech

Buddhist teachings focus on abstaining from:

  • lying OR speak the truth, hold to the truth, is firm, reliable, no deceiver of the world
  • divisive speech OR speak to create concord/harmony
  • abusive speech OR speak affectionately and politely
  • idle chatter OR speak what is connected with dharma

for me …

I connect this immediately to one of the 8 Keys of Excellence from the Quantum Learning Network (qln.com), speak with good purpose. I share this as a reminder each morning during announcements with the students and teachers in my care.

A point of clarification I would like to make though is that this does not equate to kindness and ‘being nice’ always. True kindness comes from truth telling and while the receiver of the words may not immediately recognize the harmony spoken, but rather focus on the immediate suffering of their ego, at the end of the day being honest and direct is key.

This is an area that our Leaders struggle with. Their constant divisive speech is creating a level of suffering in our world at present that will likely take years to recover from. That terrifies me.

I remember very clearly a point in time during my first year as an administrator when I responded to a teacher who felt as though she had been harmed in some way by something I said previously by telling her that I was not responsible for her feelings. While this came out much harsher than intended, those are some of the truest words I had ever spoken. It is my hope and intention to focus on and consider the collective rather than the individual in the things I say and do because to me, we are one.

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according to Google

According to Buddhist teachings, Dharma is the doctrine and so the universal truth of reality.

In Hinduism, Dharma is one of the four components of Puruṣārtha and represents the behaviors considered to be in accord with Rta. The other 3 components are Artha (means of life; activities and resources), Kama (desire, passion, emotion, pleasure of senses), and Moksha (self-knowledge, self-realization, liberation in this life or from Saṃsāra). It includes duties, rights, laws, conduct, virtues, and ‘right way of living’.

The wheel of dharma, or dharmachakra, is divided in to eight distinct spokes representing the Eightfold Path:

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right view

Right view is an understanding that our thoughts and actions have consequences (karma) and that death is not the end (rebirth).

Right view can be seen as understanding and perhaps embodying the Four Noble Truths:

  • dukkha – suffering, painful, incapable of satisfying
  • samudaya – origin of suffering
  • nirodha – cessation of suffering
  • magga – path (8 fold) leading to nirodha

for me …

I think I have the suffering part down to a science …

For me, I understand the origin of my suffering to be fear and ultimately inaction. I realize that in order of change to occur I have to ‘think a new thought‘ and ‘do a new action.’

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right intention

This addresses one’s motivation. To be ‘harmless’ and to exist ‘without ill-will.’ At a deeper level it can be interpreted as seeing every-one/thing as ‘impermanent,’ a source of suffering, and lacking a Self.

for me …

At my core, I believe in the connectedness of every-one/thing in our Universe. I believe that we are all part of the same energy source just vibing at different frequencies. In our Present, there is so much negativity, hate, and fear in our world that we are crippling our world/humanity as those elements vibrate at a much lower frequency.

By thinking/acting as every-one/thing is disconnected and separate, we create suffering at that is something that our world is excelling at at the moment. I believe that it is the low frequencies of that suffering that is bringing about the dis-ease in our world.

For me then, I am committing to infusing LOVE and positivity in to all that I come in contact with. Years ago I would never dream of telling a child that I loved them out of my own fear of being a male in elementary education. Now though, I don’t think I can say it enough. Our children are hurting, we are in pain, and without raising vibrations through LOVE and positivity, there will not be a new generation.

A little Lenny Kravitz there for you 😉

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you would be 66 today

Happy Birthday Ma.

Your life was cut too short … for me. Though if your last couple of years were any indication of what the remainder of your life was going to be like, I am thankful it did not continue any longer.

I feel guilty for saying that but I have said a million times over, the life you were living from 2013 on was not the life I’d wish on anyone. I am grateful though that we got to spend those additional years together.

I still get the urge to call you each day and check in with you on my way home but there is no one there to answer. I find myself envious of Mo in Breaking Fast that I did not have the foresight to keep your phone number active so I could still call without the risk of some random stranger answering. Perhaps that is holding on to too tightly to the past but even still, to be able to hear your outgoing message every once in a while would be a welcome reminder.

As I sit here writing this, I can’t help but feel as though I have let you down in someway. While we are talking about life not worth living, I am participating in my own at the moment and have no real excuse – hence the letting you down part. You only wanted me to find happiness, and I have not been able to manage that, and for that, I am sorry. You would be heartbroken to know how I have managed to isolate and separate myself from most anyone who cares about me.

I promise to try and do better. Time is running out.

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fifty

it is important to set goals … this is either that or an expiration date

February 12, 2028

I have often imagined if I would want to live past 50. I am now committing that I will not … not without some significant changes.

Participating in life has become exhausting and lonely. I give all the energy I have to the students in my care day in and day out without regret but I am tired.

I am tired of fighting against a society that emboldens the very character traits I try tireless to get my students to disavow. Those selfish GOP fucktards are ruining not only our democracy but also our very humanity.

I am tired of spending countless hours alone and lonely.

I am tired of cowering with zero self confidence in a body that repulses me.

I am tired of hiding who I am from the world but not because the world can’t handle it, because I can’t. The world impresses me every day how far we have come.

I am tired of being afraid. My anxiety and lack of self confidence has me constantly second guessing every attempt, no matter how small, to get away from myself.

I am tired of being so god damn tired …

My hope and prayer is that I am able to transcend this space but I am not sure I have the energy.

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who takes care of you?

You have become a respectable young man. Only days ago, you invited Krist*n (i or e, I have no idea, but probably should) to share the rest of your life with you and I could not be happier for you.

But I need to ask, who takes care of you?

You mom has shared with me ways that it seems you are setting up your life to be in hers, or there for her at least. From purchasing land across the street to your daily calls to check in with her, you are a mommas boy and there is nothing wrong with that.

But from someone who spent the better part of 24 years doing the very same thing, please, I beg, don’t forget to take care of you.

Please don’t get me wrong, I in no way resent/regret those 24 years. If I am being completely transparent, I was pretty damn selfish through many of them but still, taking care of Ma became a huge part of who I was. Unlike me though, your mom still has a partner in her life that would do anything for her. Ma’s partner walked out on her when I was 14 like the coward that he is. Travis though, never ceases to amaze me. I wonder though if you all take him for granted.

Just remember to take care you boop. That’s all I ask.

Love you buddy.