I was thinking yesterday that I would write a post titled “Happy Birthday” yet I am compelled to focus on my memories of you on this day.
I was just awoken from a dream a few moments ago that while not disturbing, created an anxiety that disturbed my sleep to a point of being suddenly awakened.
I will stage first the setting of this dream. I was at work – a school though I am unsure which because I do not recognize the parking lot. You are at work with me though I do not fully understand why (exploring this is perhaps a separate post – you were always so interested in the population of students I worked with and often expressed a desire to come and read with them – yet you never were able to do that). I do know that we drove separately but again I do not know why you are at my school. In the midst of dismissal, busses and cars moving about in the parking lot, I grab my things and head straight for may car as I am preparing to go out of town (I get the feeling I was going to the mountains or Gatlinburg more specifically).
As I approach my car I am torn between actually leaving or going back inside to see if you need anything. I am thinking of you and that you may need me to drive you home because you are tired. I distinctly remember recalling a vision of you weak and wearing your turban. Rather than go back in side I call you on your cell – I recall feeling worried if you will remember how to answer your cell phone and think perhaps I should just walk back in to the building. You do answer, from my end I hear a very tired and weak hello and then a second one. Hearing your voice confirms that I should not leave but check on you instead – I am immediately reminded that the day at my school may have been too long for you and that perhaps you should have only come for a couple of hours to keep your strength up.
I ask how/what you are doing and you tell me “I’m downtown” … With those words, I become anxious about you driving your truck (the brake light comes on now) downtown at this time (it is dark now in my dream).
These are the events and feelings of anxiety that immediately awaken me from my dream,
This post is about much more than my dream on the morning of your birthday – it is about my memories of you.
For so long I saw you as a fragile, tired, weak, and broken body with an absence of light in your eyes … so this is what I remember of you. I struggle to remember who you were before the dis-ease took over your body, mind, and spirit (in that order). It is hard to imagine you now as the person you were when the relay for life photo on my desk was taken. It is hard to remember you as the strong independent woman you became who would pickup and drive to Knoxville because Ashlyn was having boy trouble.
Those are the memories of you I want.
That is the memory of you I need now.
