Category: Ashlyn

It has been two short years since you and Justin tied the knot.

It is surreal for me – for a couple of reasons.

First – you are, and always will be, my baby girl.  Acknowledging then that you are all grown up is not something I easily do.

Second – my memories of this day two years ago are very different than yours. I wasn’t able to join in your celebration with you.  Rather, I was trying to distract Ma from the pain of not being present – a pain I am not so sure she ever let go of.  Her body would not allow her to attend and her mind kept her from healing from that.

I believe that her inability to be physically present, on a day that she herself had been looking forward to, was a turning point for her recovery.  It was at that point, that I believe, she realized that her life was slowly being consumed by the dis-ease of her physical body.  She had fought for so long but now it was clear that even she was not strong enough.

I never heard her speak of your day except for once – when she owned that that hardest part of it all was knowing that Marlene was able to attend.

I hope you know how proud of you she was.  I also hope you can see through her life how anger and resentment can eat away at the very fiber of your soul.  If I could wish for you anything at all, it would be the ability to forgive even when you can’t forget.

So my Baby Girl is getting married …

I am happy for you … if it is what you want in your heart of hearts.  I cannot say though that it is what I would wish for you at only 22 years of age.  There is so much of your life to still explore that getting married will make very unlikely.  There are a few adventures I would wish for you before you settle down, some I was fortunate to experience and some I regret that I did not.

Experience what it means to be “Ashlyn” before “Justin & Ashlyn.”  It can be very empowering to find yourself in a state of being alone.  I would wish for you to live by yourself with no relationship commitments for a little while.  Begin a career and find out what it means to be self sustaining without being responsible for or to anyone else.  The two years I lived alone were the best of my life and I honestly fantasize about that time on a regular basis.  Sure, it is great to wake up each morning next to the person you love but it is just as great to be completely selfish (something that will cause problems in a relationship).

See the world & be spontaneous.  You have had a lot of opportunities to travel with your family so in that you are fortunate.  I would wish for you to travel far and near alone too.  Road trips are great and are perfect opportunities to be ‘still’ with who you are by going them alone.  They offer great opportunities for spontaneity when you don’t have to consider what your partner will think and there is virtually no guilt for just enjoying yourself.

Learn to count on yourself before you learn to count on anyone else.  Everyone wants to believe that relationships are forever and I think we all go into them with surety that they will.  At 22 though, you still have a lot of growing left to do and it is guaranteed that that growth will continue despite your relationship status.  There is also a possibility that you and your partner will grow apart in the process.  So I would hope that you take some time to be secure (emotionally, financially, and personally) in yourself before you seek out that security in a relationship.  That way, no matter what, you will make it.

Have you considered living together before you get married?  I know, I know … many in the community would frown on that but it’s your life you’re living not their’s.  People are going to judge no matter what you do so I say the hell with them all.  I mention this because while it is wonderful waking up to the person you love day after day, when you get married you will be waking up to the same person day after day whether you like them or not.  Let’s face it, the romance and excitement will not last forever.  There will be arguments about the smallest things (laundry, groceries, leaving underwear on the floor, etc.) and the biggest things (finances).  Through all of this, communication and compromise is key – remember, you are now responsible to and for another human being.  So why not live together for a while and see how it plays out?  Marriages are much easier to enter in to than they are to exit from.

I say all of this because I love you and I don’t want you to make some of the same mistakes I have made.  I say all of this because my fear is that you may be rushing into a major life decision.  I say all of this because I want only the best and most fulfilling life for you.

In the end though, you have my love, affection, and unyielding support no matter what.

I don’t want you to ever think I will be disappointed in you or that you will let me down.  So long as you are being true to yourself with the choices that you make, you will make the best ones.

Changing your major could never disappoint me as long as you are having fun in college and doing your best.  Remember who you are talking to, I was a second year senior when I finally declared a major in Sociology – an area where jobs are nonexistent without a masters – but I loved every minute of it.

You do what you need to do and I will support you.

When you decided to go to Bethel instead of UT after high school, I was never disappointed in your decision, I was only hurt that you couldn’t tell me yourself.  I knew that you were going to Bethel to be with EJ and yes, I was afraid that that meant you were compromising your dreams for someone else.  Still though, I just wish you could have been honest with me about your decision.  The fact that you couldn’t, confirmed to me that perhaps you were not being true to yourself and that is what disappointed me.

You are a beautiful young woman now and part of the experience of being an adult is making choices (good or bad) and making mistakes.  So long as you put love first, you will make good choices and so long as you learn from your mistakes, you will never really make any because the learning is what life is about.

The world is a brighter place because you are in it and no matter what, I will support you in your life journey.

I love you baby girl.