Category: Crystal

Something has changed and I don’t know what it is.

Initially, I want to blame the break in our routine of calling one another which occurred as I began my summer vacation from work and you and Travis celebrated your anniversary in Hawaii but it’s just not that simple.

When we do talk, I feel like we are strangers and I secretly cross my fingers hoping that you don’t ask me any probing questions about my life space for I am ashamed.

Still though, I don’t feel as connected with you as I had in recent years and that is not your fault.

I find myself slowly withdrawing from the world around me and everyone I care for.  On some level, I seek to stop nurturing any connections held and certainly resist forming new ones.  All the while I am terrified of being completely alone – a fear that is all too realistic.  I picture myself in a corner slowly devouring the world around me until I eventually im/ex-plode.

I am lost.

It has taken me a long time to be completely honest and admit this but … you were right.

Your response to my letter was dead on.

I have let my own insecurities and embarrassment get the better of me over the past several years and rather than admit that, it was easier to blame you, and others, for the reasons behind me checking out.

I don’t have the strength and pride in my relationship to be able to stand strong and face any persecutions head on (assuming there would be any).  I am embarrassed by my own circumstance so much so that it was just easier to check out and not attend any family functions.  The truly disheartening thing about my decisions is that by showing up confidently in who I am, I may have been successful in swaying or even changing the prejudices and short-sighted views of any number of people.  But yet, I let my own insecurities get the best of me and in turn deny the possibility of some profound ripples from occurring within the universe.  For this, I am ashamed.

I am truly sorry for any pain that I may have caused and for the numerous birthdays I refused to attend as a result of my own pain.

I love you more than you know and it means a lot to me to know that you have continued to make my family feel welcome in your home.

Crystal,

First, let me say that I am writing this letter as I do not believe you & I will ever be able to speak openly with one another.  I respect that it may be uncomfortable for you to speak candidly about your feelings but I a not comfortable with letting my feelings go unheard.

Second, I need you to understand that I am gay & that is not going to change.  Despite what you believe, this is not a choice of mine & certainly not anything I will apologize for.  I get that you may be embarrassed by this & are fearful of any “questions” that may arise but that does not change who I am.

I have been in a committed relationship for 13 years now & my family is no less important than any heterosexual relationship.  I face discrimination & bigotry everyday but to have to experience it from my sister is more painful than you know.  For years now, I have refused to ignore my family so you can be comfortable around your friends.  It has not gone unnoticed that you blatantly refuse to invite me & my family to gatherings to celebrate Ashlyn & Austyn while you simultaneously invite Jerry & Diane, Derek, etc. with open arms.  I also know that you play off questions about my whereabouts by blaming me for not attending.

I refuse to beg you for a sincere relationship.  If we can’t be close & really get to know one another, so be it.  I am resigned to accept that reality.  Please know that I do love you but as long as you continue to choose to avoid or ignore the reality of who I am, we are no type of family.  Family is so much more than blood.  It requires respect too!

I am not asking you to compromise your beliefs about my relationship.  You are entitled to believe what you want as am I.  I only ask that you, for once, stop shutting my family out of Ashlyn & Austyn’s lives.  Fortunately, they are both old enough to make their own decisions.  Thirteen years is too long to wait for the “first time.”

I will not be ashamed of who I am so you can be comfortable & avoid answering any questions.  Besides, all of Westmoreland knows that I am gay so I don’t know what you are afraid of.  You didn’t make me gay & who I am is no reflection of you.  Thankfully, your ignorance and judgement are no reflection on me.

I am always ready to talk & hope that someday we can.  I’ve tried, I feel, to have honest conversations.  Now it’s your turn.

-Chris

Scanned, Handwritten Letter