a little, about me – a lot, about my journey
The text is Ma’s actual handwriting taken from a Christmas card she sent me one year. I chose the ‘tattered’ pink ribbon because while she was certainly a survivor, the 23 year battle definitely took it’s toll on her (and us).
She will be with me – forever and always
I am sitting in Asheville, NC @ Tupelo Honey gathering my thoughts and planning a means of insuring Ma is physically with me always. To accomplish this, I intend to tattoo her script and words on my arm.
She is already with me in spirit but I am now attempting to insure she is a part of my physical being as well.
I love and miss her so …
forever & always
I held your hand as you took your last breath. I can’t help but feel responsible on some level because it was I who made the call that as I feared was to be the last straw.
With that final breath came immense grief and sorrow for me that you will no longer be with me.
With that final breath came peace for you as you are no longer bound by your diseased body.
This emotional roller coaster from relief to grief and from peace to sorrow will undoubtedly be the longest ride of my life.
I Love You – forever & always
It was my 37th birthday (02.12.2015) and one of the most difficult days yet. We are told by your oncologist that your earthly form will only remain for another 2 to 10 weeks. This is of course exactly 2 weeks after we decided it was time to arrange hospice services.
On Friday the 13th no less, the hospice nurse tells me that it is much more like 1 to 2 weeks.
My gift to you on Valentine’s Day was the one thing you seem to fear more than anything else. The single most detested apparatus I have ever heard you speak of. I feel though that I had no choice – you couldn’t continue on as you have these past few days – especially now that you are deteriorating at a rapid pace.
I am still unable to process why this is your path in life. You never deserved this – not in the least.
One thing I am certain of though is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Your energy will be with me for the rest of my life and long after.
I love you – forever & always
I sit here with you again in the hospital as you fight to feel better. The most recent news has not been promising and I can only sit back and watch your pain continue and your earthly form deteriorate. I ask every night for there to be some amount of closure to this existence for you whatever that means. I plead that you be made whole or at least leave this world peacefully. You do not deserve the level of suffering that you experience every day.
This is the meaning of cruel and unusual punishment which I guess is only inappropriate according to man’s law. HIS law on the other hand is many times misunderstood or at least mis-taken. I have to wonder what the message is in all of this for you, me, and the rest of those close to you.
I simply do not have the capacity to understand nor the faith to believe in it. All I know is that you are suffering day in and day out and are now having to miss one of the most important times in your granddaughter’s life. I know that this is not what you want nor is it what any of us want for you.
I doubt I will ever understand why circumstances are the way they are today for you. If I could trade places with you though, I would without an ounce of hesitation.
It pains me to see you in your current state. No one deserves that, least of all you.
While every new day is a blessing on one hand, I also see it as a curse for you. You do not deserve the hand you have been dealt. I pray that it will all be over for you soon – whatever that means.
It has taken me a long time to be completely honest and admit this but … you were right.
Your response to my letter was dead on.
I have let my own insecurities and embarrassment get the better of me over the past several years and rather than admit that, it was easier to blame you, and others, for the reasons behind me checking out.
I don’t have the strength and pride in my relationship to be able to stand strong and face any persecutions head on (assuming there would be any). I am embarrassed by my own circumstance so much so that it was just easier to check out and not attend any family functions. The truly disheartening thing about my decisions is that by showing up confidently in who I am, I may have been successful in swaying or even changing the prejudices and short-sighted views of any number of people. But yet, I let my own insecurities get the best of me and in turn deny the possibility of some profound ripples from occurring within the universe. For this, I am ashamed.
I am truly sorry for any pain that I may have caused and for the numerous birthdays I refused to attend as a result of my own pain.
I love you more than you know and it means a lot to me to know that you have continued to make my family feel welcome in your home.
I will never forget the night we met. It was August 21, 1999. In that moment, I never imagined or dreamed it would be ending like this.
Anger, frustration, and resentment are like the worst of cancers. They slowly eat away every fiber of your being and destroy all that is enjoyable in a relationship. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to rise above those intense emotions that have now completely clouded all of the emotions that brought a sparkle to my eye in years past.
I wanted so sincerely for our recent separation to breathe new life into our relationship and to once again find that place of longing for you that I used to feel. Instead, I feel as though you never left because the resentment that has taken over remained with me even though you were physically absent. You are coming ‘home’ on Tuesday and I can’t seem to find the energy to celebrate that. I want so badly to want to hold you as you walk through the door yet for some reason, hugging you is no longer comfortable and kissing you has been uncomfortable for as long as I can remember.
You say that I have existed in this relationship as a victim for many years and perhaps that is true. However, I take full responsibility for my decisions to stay over the years as I have truly always wanted our relationship to be one that works.
I can honestly say that I do love you and probably always will but I am not certain that I am ‘in love’ with you at this time. I often fantasize about past encounters and relationships remembering the passion that I felt and wonder ‘what if.’ It is odd to me though that I cannot seem to remember the passion we shared even though I know it was intense. Yes, I realize that I am living in the past by making these statements but I can’t figure out how to be excited about a future that is uncertain and even disappointing. I am not confident that you and I can ever find that passion again because I fear that the damage done is too great to rise above and forget and forgive.
You also mention that I have failed to commit to this relationship and do the things I needed to do to work on it earnestly. That is true and for that I am ashamed. I do not, in the slightest, believe that you have asked anything unreasonable of me. On the contrary, the things you have asked of me would enrich my own life directly and our relationship then indirectly. However, the voice that I hear louder than any other is one that speaks nothing but fear and insecurities and I can’t get rid of it.
It is somehow ‘safer’ to keep one foot out the door so that if/when a relationship runs its course the pain felt will be less devastating. Perhaps by keeping one foot out the door I have succeeded in created the very thing I have contended I did not want – for the relationship to end. Yet for me, I really do not think I have the capacity to commit fully to a relationship like you deserve. I had shared with you in the past that I was not comfortable being responsible to or for any other person and it is that truth that has kept me from committing. I don’t want to have to count on someone else because it would be too painful to be let down. As of late, I have needed you more than I could have ever imagined but I could not for the life of me break down that wall between us and let you in. I know you would have shown up stronger than I could ever have hoped for but the vulnerability that that space would create is a place that I am terrified of and avoid at all costs. Conversely, I also do not want someone counting on me because I can’t promise that I won’t drop the ball when I am needed most.
So where do we go from here?
Still, no matter what happens after Tuesday, you will forever hold a place deep in my heart and soul.
My newest tattoo is one that I will always remember and forever try to forget.
This one was not chosen but has rather been ingrained in my mind for the rest of my life. I have never been more afraid than I was today but at the same time I would never be able to forgive myself if I had not been there to receive this tattoo.
I will never enjoy Taco Bell again after this day. I will also never be able to see you wearing your blue turban without fighting back tears with all my might. While I know those elements had nothing to do with this event, they are elements that will forever be part of the image branded in my memory.
This tattoo will quite possibly represent the darkest hour of my life.
So my Baby Girl is getting married …
I am happy for you … if it is what you want in your heart of hearts. I cannot say though that it is what I would wish for you at only 22 years of age. There is so much of your life to still explore that getting married will make very unlikely. There are a few adventures I would wish for you before you settle down, some I was fortunate to experience and some I regret that I did not.
Experience what it means to be “Ashlyn” before “Justin & Ashlyn.” It can be very empowering to find yourself in a state of being alone. I would wish for you to live by yourself with no relationship commitments for a little while. Begin a career and find out what it means to be self sustaining without being responsible for or to anyone else. The two years I lived alone were the best of my life and I honestly fantasize about that time on a regular basis. Sure, it is great to wake up each morning next to the person you love but it is just as great to be completely selfish (something that will cause problems in a relationship).
See the world & be spontaneous. You have had a lot of opportunities to travel with your family so in that you are fortunate. I would wish for you to travel far and near alone too. Road trips are great and are perfect opportunities to be ‘still’ with who you are by going them alone. They offer great opportunities for spontaneity when you don’t have to consider what your partner will think and there is virtually no guilt for just enjoying yourself.
Learn to count on yourself before you learn to count on anyone else. Everyone wants to believe that relationships are forever and I think we all go into them with surety that they will. At 22 though, you still have a lot of growing left to do and it is guaranteed that that growth will continue despite your relationship status. There is also a possibility that you and your partner will grow apart in the process. So I would hope that you take some time to be secure (emotionally, financially, and personally) in yourself before you seek out that security in a relationship. That way, no matter what, you will make it.
Have you considered living together before you get married? I know, I know … many in the community would frown on that but it’s your life you’re living not their’s. People are going to judge no matter what you do so I say the hell with them all. I mention this because while it is wonderful waking up to the person you love day after day, when you get married you will be waking up to the same person day after day whether you like them or not. Let’s face it, the romance and excitement will not last forever. There will be arguments about the smallest things (laundry, groceries, leaving underwear on the floor, etc.) and the biggest things (finances). Through all of this, communication and compromise is key – remember, you are now responsible to and for another human being. So why not live together for a while and see how it plays out? Marriages are much easier to enter in to than they are to exit from.
I say all of this because I love you and I don’t want you to make some of the same mistakes I have made. I say all of this because my fear is that you may be rushing into a major life decision. I say all of this because I want only the best and most fulfilling life for you.
In the end though, you have my love, affection, and unyielding support no matter what.