Category: understanding

He had it all. I admired him. I was envious of him.

We grew up together. Same small town. Same public schools. Same grade. He was one of the ‘elite’ in our class. Athletic. Attractive. Friendly. Charismatic. Great sense of humor. Genuinely kind.

I wouldn’t say we were close by any means – we ran in different circles and only a few managed to be part of the overlap in the social Venn diagram. I belonged in the circle of popular, smart kids. He belonged in the circle of popular, athletic kids. Not saying he was not smart – he just prioritized his athleticism. Richard fell in the overlap.

I looked up to him though.

Clint’s passing brought about a lot of feelings for me, feelings that were honestly unexpected.

I was immediately forced to re-examine my own thoughts of suicide. By many standards, I have it all … great career, loving family, nice home, car, money in the bank, etc. The difference, I think, is that I am just really going through the motions. I am not happy – I do not have the type of (meaningful) relationships that matter. I am guessing Clint was unhappy too …

I then began to grieve … grieve my friendships from high school. The truth is, I had no idea if Clint was happy or not – I hadn’t seen him or anyone else in 25+ years. When I left Westmoreland, I never looked back. I began my journey of discovery and held on to a level of shame that convinced me that no one from my past, my childhood, would accept me for me. I isolated myself and shut Westmoreland out of my life. So then, how would I have known what he was dealing with? It was not until his death that I realized he had a child with someone I have worked with and known for years through MNPS.

Then the embarrassment and guilt set in. What If … What If I had remained connected with friends back home? I ‘judge them’ from afar believing that I would be the one who is not accepted all the while I am not giving them a chance and rejecting them straight out of the gate. So what if some of their world views are narrow, why have I allowed my fear-ego to get in the way of their potential growth and understanding? By separating from them I have potentially removed any interaction they could have with someone who is LGBT thereby ensuring that there is no cause for growth. What If I had maintained a connection … could I have had an influence on this finite outcome?

I often find myself recognizing the identities that others select/portray but only recently have I been able to recognize mine own.

It seems through grief I built up the identify of someone who rejects the holidays and the many traditions they bring. I have been able to foster that identity over the years out of my rejection of the idea that I no longer want to be alone.

Today though, this identity no longer serves me living my best life – as if I know what that means. I only know it is not the one I am actively participating in.

I do not want to be alone. I want to manifest love and companionship.

The more I am though the more I allow my anger and resentment towards him to build a world of darkness that scares me. Only days ago, I began taking steps to end the darkness and I am terrified.

identities that no longer define me …

When I Google the life expectancy of an English Mastiff, I get anything from 7 years to 10-12 years.  When I look up the information according to the AKC, a life expectancy of 6-10 years is indicated.

Though you only shared your life with us for 8 years, you lived 12 long years.

It was a sad day today as we lay you to rest.  We found out yesterday that you likely had lung cancer – the vet was extremely confident in that diagnosis from looking at the xrays.  This explains the cough you have had for a few months now.

Given your age, Vennlig being gone, and the fact that you were now spending long days home alone … we decided it was best to go ahead and end any suffering you may have.

You will forever be loved and missed.

It pains me that I will no longer see those eyes and experience the way you look at me.

Today, we made the most difficult decision imaginable – one we will forever wonder if it was made at the right time.

I love you Vennlig and will forever miss you boo.