when you least expect it, nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot
Call Me By Your Name
12
Because it was him. Because it was me.
Call Me By Your Name
11
We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of 30. And have less to offer, each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing, so as not to feel anything. What a waste.
Call Me By Your Name
10
Our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once and before you know it, your hearts worn out. And as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it much less want to come near it.
Call Me By Your Name
9
Currently, my favorite color is blue …
Growing up, I distinctly remember preferring black to any other color. Ma had kept a drawing of our family that I had done very early on and we were all black, and all had penises too no less.
I also remember preferring the black crayon to the others because it could always be used to cover up any mistakes that were made.
Where the Lines Between Reality and Fantasy are Blurred
It has been 13 years since I returned to my life in TN after having lived in Dallas, TX for a mere 11 months. A week ago tomorrow, I made a return trip back to Dallas for the first time since I moved away, visiting for a week.
What is most surprising to me to me is that nothing is as I remember it. Sure, a lot can change in 13 years but I think it is more than that …
My move to Dallas represents only the second most important decision I have ever made thinking solely of my path, the first being my decision to attend college.
Since being back in TN over the past 13 years, I have often wondered if I made the right decision at the right time to move back. Sure, given Ma’s deteriorating health conditions, I would have moved back eventually but did I move back too soon? This wondering, and perhaps regret, eventually developed into endearing memories of what my life in Dallas was like. Granted, my time there was enjoyable but as I re-explored the sites this week and revisited some points with fond memories attached, I realize that nothing is as I remember it.
There are a few explanations for this I suppose ..
Granted, a lot can admittedly change in 13 years especially in an urban environment. I didn’t even recognize my old office building given the new buildings that have risen around it so yeah, a lot has changed … but that’s not it …
Then, there is the phenomenon of false memories. I recently had a conversation with a very dear friend of mine about general life events – a where were you when sort of conversation. We began to speak of the Challenger explosion. My memories tell me that I was in Ms. Palladino’s high school art class when we watched the news on the TV mounted in the front of the classroom. I remember we got those TVs as part of a grant to support the viewing of the Channel 1 News station for current events framed for adolescents. I also remembering sitting in the front row nearly in front of the TV as we watched the footage of the explosion. She recounted similar memories but while she is only a couple of years my senior, her memories seemed to coincide with a much earlier age than mine. So, we googled the event. The Challenger exploded on January 18th, 1986 … given that I was born in ’78, that would have made me 8 years old – certainly not a high school student. This is a perfect example of how our memories can distort a past reality. How we can force ourselves to believe very specific and detailed events that never happened. So I have to wonder, have my feelings of regret around Dallas somehow shaped my memories of my time there?
Finally, our cumulative experience defines our current experience … not only am I 13 years older, I have also acquired 2 master degrees, advanced in a new career, supported 2 teenage boys through high school … you get the picture. Basically, most of what I experienced in 2002/03 were new experiences for me then and so left an impression that I carried with me all these years. The impression was based more on the excitement surrounding a new experience and less about the experience itself. Fast forward to 2016 – lots of other experiences now define the things/events/places I attempted to re-experience while in Dallas but it just wasn’t the same – because I am not the same and I no longer see/experience things the way I did when I was 24.
I guess I think through all of this to convince myself that no matter what, life is what you make of it and never what you remember of it.
8
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
7
Even in this age of computers only love can reboot us.
6
It is apparent that we are all part of something greater when in nature.
5
Our obsession with the physical realm and focus on the human body as our ‘self’ is disheartening.